is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
