3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
