I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
