I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
