this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
