I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
