She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
