You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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