I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
