think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
