I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
