i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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