weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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