Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sext me about skeletons
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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