I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
