Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
