Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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