I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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