"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
PANTIES FOUND
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