sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
