just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
