She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think I just sharted jello shots
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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