I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize