Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
