its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
