I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
