You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
