even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
