last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
