I must be too annoying 4 u.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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