I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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