I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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