she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
True strength comes from lack of pants
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
