so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
