Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
