i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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