overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
