If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
