The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
