Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
