im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
