i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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