I think im going to throw up on grandma
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize