Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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