i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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