there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
