you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
