I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
