I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
