the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
