Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
