He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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