Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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