She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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