seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
