so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
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one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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