Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
