Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Randomize
