Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
how drunk are you?
Several
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
