When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
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If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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