College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
