i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
