Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
